Oh, my child! Where have you gone? Part I

By Aiala

Once upon a time, I was a child. And so were you. 

But eventually we all grew up, and hopefully became responsible adults. Adulthood can be overwhelming sometimes; parenting yourself or your own children can be extremely difficult specially when motherly deprivation, negligence, abuse or maltreatment was suffered during childhood, since you grew up without any role-model and your basic survival needs kept unattended. Its like growing up on emotional starvation and as a grown up, you suffer from emotional malnutrition. 

According to David M. Allen, M.D. in "A Matter of Personality",  the majority of abused children do not go on to abuse their own children. Some even decide never to have children for fear that they might become abusive to their own children just like their parents were. Others go to the opposite extreme and become so overprotective of their children that they end up snuffing out their children's ability to grow up. And many others become model parents. Still, as a therapist myself, I keep hearing over and over again, youngsters swearing that they will never do to their own children  what was done to them but somehow, statistics and research show quite the opposite: they suggest that one - third of all individuals who were abused or neglected as children will subject their children to maltreatment. Quite pessimist, right? 

Why? How does this happen? Maybe, because we never really grow up totally. What I mean is, that even if we physically grew up, and mentally developed, there is a part of us that will always remain a child. And if that child was abused or maltreated in any way, and hasn't been healed, its wounds will continue to be there over the years, boycotting our attempts for happiness and well-being. He will be constantly bugging us for attention, desperate to grasp into any corrective experience available at the moment (that sadly usually fails and the opposite occurs - a re-traumatization experience - since its not done in a conscious way, but rather as a reaction from the unconscious). 

In its healthier state, the Inner Child refers to that part of each of us which is ultimately alive, energetic, creative and fulfilled; it is our "Genuine Authentic Self", who we know deep within us, our "Real Self." It's are joyful, playful, most creative and loving side, full of awe and hope. Its the side of us that let us dream, have great ideas, enjoy and have pleasure in life and the beauty of the world.  

The concept called  Inner Child has been a part of the world for a very long time. Carl Jung called it the "Divine Child" and Emmet Fox called it the "Wonder Child." Some psychotherapists call it the "True Self". And Charles Whitfield called it the "Child Within." 

But what exactly is this child? Is that really a part of us? Then answer is: yes. And will always be. I liked very much Dr. Stephen Diamond's, PhD.explanation:

 The inner child is real. Not literally. Nor physically. But figuratively, metaphorically real. It is--like complexes in general--a psychological or phenomenological reality, and an extraordinarily powerful one at that. Indeed, most mental disorders and destructive behavior patterns are, as Freud first intimated, more or less related to this unconscious part of ourselves. We were all once children, and still have that child dwelling within us. But most adults are quite unaware of this. And this lack of conscious relatedness to our own inner child is precisely where so many behavioral, emotional and relationship difficulties stem from.

Most of us deny that there even exists such a part within us. While growing up, we are "educated" to silence this child and behave in a socially accepted way. That is fine, though. Self boundaries and good manners are important qualities to acquire. But together with this, we are tough to be serious and respectable adults, meaning as a contradiction to fun, joy, big dreams, creativity, being spontaneous etc. And eventually we forget that, once upon a time, we were children, and out inner child is still here, deep inside of us, abandoned. When this child - self is not allowed to be heard, or even acknowledged as being real, a false or co-dependent self emerges (Jung on Archetypes). We grow up as adults, acquiring some adult-type qualities, and at the same time, our inner child keeps growing up, but resented, fearful and angry for the abandonment and negligence upon its existence (this is basically our most true voice telling us that we are very far away from ourselves and its screaming for an S.O.S. rescue). We begin to live our lives as victims. The inner-child makes himself present in our adult life by controlling our reactions to different situations: passive aggressive, yelling, feeling of loneliness or emptiness, narcissism, selfishness, evil doings etc. This is his childish way to say: HELLO!!! you are neglecting me!! I am hurt and I need your attention. NOW! 

How do we heal our inner child?

There are many ways you can work on your healing, and definitely Art Therapy is of great help in this matter since it engages your most creative, vulnerable and unconscious side. 
Soon I will be writing a whole article about it, because it is a very serious matter. In the meantime, start by trying to recognize different attitudes or reactions that come to you "out of the blues": anger, resentment, jealousy, fear, anxiety. Also, try to recognize different times when you feel specially good about yourself, creative, empathetic, non-judgmental. 
These are all parts of your inner child. Lets start renewing your relationship. And remember: its never too late.