Oh, my Child! Where have you gone? Part II

By Aiala

The process of healing through Art Therapy

In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. We have all had times of difficulty as children and many of us have experienced trauma. To protect and defend ourselves against future suffering, we often try to forget those painful times. Every time we’re in touch with the experience of suffering, we believe we can’t bear it, and we stuff our feelings and memories deep down in our unconscious mind. It may be that we haven’t dared to face this child for many decades[i].

According to Louis Hay, as children, when something went wrong, we tended to believe that there was something wrong with us. Children develop the idea that if they could only do it right, then parents and caregivers would love them, and they wouldn't punish them. In time, the child believes that there is something wrong with him. That he is not good enough. As we grow older, we carry these false beliefs with us. We learn to reject ourselves.

Recent findings on art and the brain increasingly explain why art therapy is a game-changer in trauma intervention, particularly with children who have been abused. [ii] “Three things are striking about inner child work,” says John Bradshaw. “The speed with which people change when they do this work; the depth of the power and creativity that result when the wounds from the past are healed”. Then, says Bradshaw, "the healed inner child becomes a source of vitality and creativity, enabling us to find new joy and energy in living."

Anytime we have a strong emotional reaction to something or someone - when a button is pushed and there is a lot of energy attached a lot of intensity - that means there is old stuff involved. It is the inner child who feels panic or terror or rage or hopelessness, not the adult.

Here are some ideas I've tried myself when working with my Inner Child. They should help you get to know him/her, befriends and heal whatever needs to be healed. Under every step, I added some suggestions that might help you achieve the goal at every point. The most important of all though, is that this should be done in a very non-judgmental, empathetic way.

1- Recognizing and reconnecting with your inner child.

You can do this by starting with a little relaxation breathing and some quite music. Try to recall a picture in your mind of how you looked as a child. Place your child in a friendly and safe environment (beach, forest, cabin etc.) and approach to him/her.
Take a few moments to be there, and try bonding. Observe the child: how does s/he look like? How old is s/he? Look him/her deep into the eyes. What do you see? How is the child feeling?
Start a small dialogue. Say Hi! Ask him/her how are you, how old are you? Approach in a very soft way, and talk to him/her as you would talk to a child that is your inner child’s age. Pay attention to the tone of your voice. Is it tense? Harsh? Sweet?
Make a drawing of your inner child as the way you saw him/her in your imagination. 

2- Embrace your inner child.

S/he just told you the way s/he feels. For a child, that takes an incredible amount of strength. Thank him/her for sharing. Tell him/her that it was very brave from him/her to share, since you guys just met! Don’t say things as: that’s not so bad, or, you shouldn’t be feeling this way. Instead of fighting your emotions, start taking good care of yourself. 
Focus on your adult self. Listen to your feelings and inner dialogue: how do I treat / speak to myself? Do I respect myself? Do I refer to myself with dignity, love and understanding? If there is something bothering you, please validate your feelings by listening careful and patiently. Be empathetic to yourself.

This doesn’t mean you should sink into self pity and victimize yourself.
We keep telling ourselves that certain feelings are childish, stupid or unaccredited. That reasonable adult should feel differently about certain situations. This is absolutely wrong. We've become our worst enemies, our most cruel judges!
We are unique, and as such, we feel differently from others in different situations. We feel the way we do. Feelings are neither stupid nor invalid. They are just feelings. And instead of denying them (trust me, that won’t help), we should try to find out what triggered that feeling, when did it start, an even better, when was the first time you started to feel this way.
Try going back to the earliest memories you have from your childhood that matches that feeling, and from there, you can hold a precious dialogue with your inner child on what happened, how did he feel and what was done about this situation (or what wasn’t).
Write down the dialogue.

3- Hug your inner child.

Promise him/her that you will never abandon him again. From now on, you will be there for him/her, in a loving, caring and supportive way. You will protect him/her in any way, and won’t let others hurt him/her again in any way. Now you are big and strong, and you have the strength to do so in any situation and any time. If you can, hold you child’s hand and go back together to the painful situation. If the child back then was scared and felt unprotected, hug him and protect him as long as s/he need to relax and feel secure again. If s/he felt lonely or sad, hold him/her and south him/her. Just give him/her whatever s/he needs right now. Validate his/her feelings.
Before leaving the Child, thank him/her again, reassure your love and acceptance and let him/her know that you will never abandon him/her and that you will meet again very soon.

After doing this exercise, you can jump into this one as a follow up.

Daily Inner Child Exercise[iii]

1.Relax and breathe with your paper and crayons in front of you.

2. Close your eyes and see or feel a child near you. Notice the color or her/his hair, notice the height, posture, clothing. Open your heart and feel yourself accepting this child exactly as she/he is, even if the chid is angry sad or frightened.

3. Ask the child to play a game with you. The adult in you will ask the child 3 questions. What is your name? What are you feeling right now? What can I do to help you feel really good?

4. Let the child draw a picture of for you and answer the questions using crayons and your non-dominant hand.

5. Thank the child for sharing with you.

Note: I often change this exercise as I find it a profound way to get to know renegade, inner child parts that made decisions for me a long time ago, that I may not be conscious of. Sometimes we have well-meaning but less mature parts of our minds running the show that are not making the best decisions for our current adult, mature needs. I ask my inner child part these questions:

What is your name?

How old are you?

What is your purpose?

Good luck! And please, if you did the exercise, let me know how did it go.

* For further reading on the subject, I very much recommend Jeremiah Abrams’s book “Recovering the Inner Child”. and Lucia Capacchione’s book “Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self”

References:

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[i] http://www.mindful.org/in-body-and-mind/coping-with-difficulty/healing-the-child-within

[ii] Published on October 13, 2013 by Cathy Malchiodi, PhD, LPCC, LPAT in Arts and Health.

[iii] http://www.expressiveartworkshops.com/30-day-expressive-drawing-challenges/inner-child-drawings/