What’s in the box? Introspection for Self-Decclutering!

While doing my spring cleaning, I realized that I have so many things that I don’t use or need. I started wondering why I do this. In general, I've met so many people that are attached to material possessions (like that old fashion, ugly and unnecessary dress size 0 stuck at the end of your closet), and they won’t give up on them! 

I tried to connect it to the emotional realm and realized that we copy this pattern also here. We live attached to relationships, jobs, activities, behaviors and so on that occupy so much space in our lives and are neither healthy or wanted. We get attach to thoughts or desires, memories and “what ifs” that complot against our happiness and destroy any possibility of renovation. We are so focused sometimes in that one thing or things that we don’t want/have in our lives that we forget to think about what we do want/have. On the other hand, we fill ourselves with negative thoughts and emotions – that feel safe to us because we are used to them - instead of just letting them go and making space for filling ourselves with positive wants and do’s!  

We just keep the negative in order to avoid the vacuum created by the empty space left when we take them out. We are deathly scared of feeling lonely or empty, because unconsciously we believe that if we change - if I get rid of this specific memory, behavior or whatever it is - I will be left empty and alone. I will not know myself anymore. Sometimes we unconsciously choose to stay attached to pain or painful thoughts or memories because of the primary and/or secondary gain we get from it.

We confuse external or shallow change with deep, real transformation. Transformation is not about violently getting rid of, but rather gently transforming through process and healing whatever unwanted pattern we have into something positive. The difficulty here is that we identify ourselves with objects, people and external things. “I am a lawyer – even though I hate it – if I quit my job, who am I”? This is a legitimate fear, but not a real one. Only when we can detach ourselves from others (material or not), we can actually be free. I AM and will always be, no matter the external circumstances or people in my life. First of all I am ME – unconditionally and exclusively from anything/anyone else outside of me - and only then I am X’s daughter, X’s mother etc. “I work as a….” instead of “I am A….” we need to learn how to reframe our life. And below is a great Art Therapy exercise for you to get started!!

*note: I didn’t invent this exercise and sadly I’m unaware of who originated it. Every art therapist takes the basics and then fit it to the purpose of the intervention, and so did I with this exercise. You can change different aspects of it. As instead of papers, you can use stones or any different things that your creative mind can think of.

1. Grab a box. If you are doing this with a patient, present different choices of sizes and shapes.

2.  Design it! Paint it, cut it and/or add things to it. notice: I’ve seen some patients actually taking off the covers (lids) of their boxes, leaving the inside – and its content - vulnerable and open to everyone. Instead of correcting this, I would suggest a dialogue on what does this action means. It might be that the patient is used to the "overexpose and then getting hurt" cycle.

3. Make a list as objective and realistic you can about what you have in your life. DO NOT INCLUDE IN THIS STEP WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE. Keep it as real as you can. Include everything you have and represent you: relationships, things that give you pleasure, behaviors and traits – positives and negatives. Feelings, emotions, activities, things you are getting from others – and here again, include the entire positive and negatives as well. Cut them so they will be each one a separate unit. You can keep it this way or stick each one separately to glass stones, hearts, shells or whatever you like.

4. Separate in two different groups what you wrote:

Group 1 – only the things that represent you as a being. Ex: funny, creative, loyal, critical, lazy.

Group 2 – everything else. This includes: jobs, relationships, material things, your hobbies etc. 

Put these words in a smaller container of the original box size or a small bag (so you can put everything back into the original box).

5. Take a look at your list. Is there anything that you want to get rid of or would like to 

transform? You will notice that sometimes it is not the whole relationship or job you don’t want, but rather a part of it: I don’t want the stress of this job; I don’t want a partner that is so jealous but I want to keep the love between us.

6. Now that you have chosen (please treat yourself nicely and choose one thing at a time or 2 max!), think what would you like to have instead. It is not enough to think about what you don’t want – this is a step but won’t help you get what you want – so if you chose “I don’t want to be lonely anymore” do think what you want instead: “I want to have a more fulfilling relationship with my partner, friends, family”. If your choice is "love" for instance, try to specify what love means to you: companionship, giving, receiving. Being very specific and detailed in your list will help you clarify more accurately on what your needs really are - and will help you achieve them easier. 

In personal traits: “I don’t want to feel insecure anymore” should be “I want to be confident in myself”.

7. Write down what your choices, and put them in a third different container/bag (food bags are great for this).

8. Now put everything inside your original box. Plan a strategy with your therapist/patient on how you can work in order to achieve what you want. Only when you feel very secure and that you have started to have some gaining, think about removing that other things you don’t want. Start by putting it in a different bag and keep it in the box, and then only remove it completely after you have discussed it with your therapist – in order to avoid confusion between the defense mechanism of negation with detachment.

The real cool thing about this intervention is that is dynamic, and you can keep working on it as long as you are alive and willing to transform and renovate yourself. The box could keep changing as we also change with time. Feel free to add/remove things as much as you feel like. 

Feel free to keep things quiet and rest as long as you need. Actually, this is the beauty of this exercise: it provides a phenomenal opportunity for introspection and transformation while respecting the patient’s timing. It is deep and strong while it preserves the patient’s privacy and dignity.

Hope you enjoy! I will love to hear about your experience!!!