While doing my spring cleaning, I realized that I have so
many things that I don’t use or need. I started wondering why I do this. In
general, I've met so many people that are attached to material possessions (like that old fashion, ugly and unnecessary dress size 0 stuck at the end of your closet), and they won’t give up
on them!
I tried to connect it to the emotional realm and realized that we copy
this pattern also here. We live attached to relationships, jobs, activities,
behaviors and so on that occupy so much space in our lives and are neither
healthy or wanted. We get attach to thoughts or desires, memories and “what
ifs” that complot against our happiness and destroy any possibility of renovation. We
are so focused sometimes in that one thing or things that we don’t want/have in
our lives that we forget to think about what we do want/have. On the other hand, we fill
ourselves with negative thoughts and emotions – that feel safe to us because we
are used to them - instead of just letting them go and making space for filling
ourselves with positive wants and do’s!
We just keep the negative in order to avoid the vacuum created by the
empty space left when we take them out. We are deathly scared of feeling lonely
or empty, because unconsciously we believe that if we change - if I get rid of
this specific memory, behavior or whatever it is - I will be left empty and
alone. I will not know myself anymore. Sometimes we unconsciously choose to
stay attached to pain or painful thoughts or memories because of the primary
and/or secondary gain we get from it.
We confuse external or shallow change with deep, real
transformation. Transformation is not about violently getting rid of, but
rather gently transforming through process and healing whatever unwanted pattern
we have into something positive. The difficulty here is that we identify
ourselves with objects, people and external things. “I am a lawyer – even
though I hate it – if I quit my job, who am I”? This is a legitimate fear, but
not a real one. Only when we can detach ourselves from others (material or
not), we can actually be free. I AM and will always be, no matter the external
circumstances or people in my life. First of all I am ME – unconditionally and
exclusively from anything/anyone else outside of me - and only then I am X’s
daughter, X’s mother etc. “I work as a….” instead of “I am A….” we need to
learn how to reframe our life. And below is a great Art Therapy exercise for
you to get started!!
*note: I didn’t invent this exercise and sadly I’m unaware
of who originated it. Every art therapist takes the basics and then fit it to
the purpose of the intervention, and so did I with this exercise. You can
change different aspects of it. As instead of papers, you can use stones or any
different things that your creative mind can think of.
1. Grab a box. If you are doing this with a patient, present
different choices of sizes and shapes.
2. Design it! Paint
it, cut it and/or add things to it. notice: I’ve seen some patients actually
taking off the covers (lids) of their boxes, leaving the inside – and its
content - vulnerable and open to everyone. Instead of correcting this, I would
suggest a dialogue on what does this action means. It might be that the patient
is used to the "overexpose and then getting hurt" cycle.
3. Make a list as objective and realistic you can about what
you have in your life. DO NOT INCLUDE IN THIS STEP WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE.
Keep it as real as you can. Include everything you have and represent you:
relationships, things that give you pleasure, behaviors and traits – positives
and negatives. Feelings, emotions, activities, things you are getting from
others – and here again, include the entire positive and negatives as well. Cut
them so they will be each one a separate unit. You can keep it this way or
stick each one separately to glass stones, hearts, shells or whatever you like.
4. Separate in two different groups what you wrote:
Group 1 – only the things that represent you as a being. Ex:
funny, creative, loyal, critical, lazy.
Group 2 – everything else. This includes: jobs,
relationships, material things, your hobbies etc.
Put these words in a smaller
container of the original box size or a small bag (so you can put everything back into the original box).
5. Take a look at your list. Is there anything that you want
to get rid of or would like to
transform? You will notice that sometimes it is
not the whole relationship or job you don’t want, but rather a part of it: I
don’t want the stress of this job; I don’t want a partner that is so jealous
but I want to keep the love between us.
6. Now that you have chosen (please treat yourself nicely
and choose one thing at a time or 2 max!), think what would you like to have instead.
It is not enough to think about what you don’t want – this is a step but won’t
help you get what you want – so if you chose “I don’t want to be lonely
anymore” do think what you want instead: “I want to have a more fulfilling
relationship with my partner, friends, family”. If your choice is "love" for
instance, try to specify what love means to you: companionship, giving,
receiving. Being very specific and detailed in your list will help you clarify more accurately on what your needs really are - and will help you achieve them easier.
In personal traits: “I don’t want to feel insecure anymore”
should be “I want to be confident in myself”.
7. Write down what your choices, and put them in a third
different container/bag (food bags are great for this).
8. Now put everything inside your original box. Plan a
strategy with your therapist/patient on how you can work in order to achieve
what you want. Only when you feel very secure and that you have started to have
some gaining, think about removing that other things you don’t want. Start by
putting it in a different bag and keep it in the box, and then only remove it
completely after you have discussed it with your therapist – in order to avoid confusion
between the defense mechanism of negation with detachment.
The real cool thing about this intervention is that is
dynamic, and you can keep working on it as long as you are alive and willing to
transform and renovate yourself. The box could keep changing as we also change
with time. Feel free to add/remove things as much as you feel like.
Feel free
to keep things quiet and rest as long as you need. Actually, this is the beauty
of this exercise: it provides a phenomenal opportunity for introspection and
transformation while respecting the patient’s timing. It is deep and strong
while it preserves the patient’s privacy and dignity.
Hope you enjoy! I will love to hear about your experience!!!